Week 1

Bon voyage, Bunger!

Waking up at 4:30 in the morning is for the birds. I only had to do it a couple of times this week, but it was a couple too many. Work is awesome. It beats sitting in a classroom for 8 hours, that's for sure. My first official patient is 78, and she has called me everything but Joey in 3 visits -- Jody, Jonah, Josh, and jerk. She's sweet. My instructor still hasn't shown up for work. The other employees assure me that she does exist, and that I will be receiving credit for the rotation. We'll see. As for driving, Lex and Terry in the morning and driving the explorer like it's a Ferrari all day get me from point A to B. Right now, I'm OK with the drive. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna make it, so SSI isn't out of the question. How's the Junior Staff, Shiv?

Hey Bunger and Shane, good call. The Avett Brothers were great. I have listened to them and never was sold. Well, as of a week ago, I'm sold. It's hard to believe that those 3 + Joe Kwon could ever put on a show like that. I'm not sure what category you can place the Avett Brothers in to. If it's bluegrass, fine. If it's "alternative folk" (Amazon.com's take), that sounds kinda weird, but OK. They aren't like many other bands, and I like that. Who knew they could make Springsteen tolerable for me...



Moving on...



Lakers win! Lakers win! Love that picture by the way. Queensbridge was definitely in the building on Thursday night. Not sure if I'm a Laker fan, but I'm a Kobe Bryant. He proved 2 things in the past 2 months worth of playoffs: 1. Shooting more than everyone else gives you the best chance at scoring; 2. He's the best basketball player in the world. As for Bostonians, suck it. Ok I'll be honest, it would not have matter who played the Celtics; I would have rooted for the West no matter what... well except Dirk and zee Mavs.

Jack - "Paul Pierce is "the Truth"?! Ron Artest handled the truth!!"

The US Open wraps up today on NBC. That means: Phil has checked out, Tiger took the night off last night to focus on golf, and Johnny Miller is an idiot. I'm pulling for Dustin Johnson.

On a personal note... this weekend I swung/swang/swinged(?) and missed. I was talking the big talk all this week. But after one beer Friday and Saturday nights, I was down for the count. I guess I need to start drinking at work to tune the body up for the weekend. It's settled -- Martini Mondays and Tequila Sunrise Tuesdays. I'm going to do better.

Hey, Koman Coulibaly - you're fucking out! Don't screw with America's sport.

Happy Father's Day!

HUGE Sports Day!!!

I'm so happy...I could take my pants off! Days like these don't come around often, and I think we need to stop hating and start embracing. It's been a few year since the last time this sporting event this has taken place, but once the squads take the field that same ol' familiar feeling returns. Yep, the Braves and Twins renew their rivalry tonight! They have met twice ('02 & '07) since that 1991 World Series.


Kirby Puckett must have grown a foot or so the week leading up to the series. For me, there were many reasons to dislike those Twins: guy named Kirby who was good a baseball, Minnesota and its proximity to Canada, and Kent Hrbek's bush league play in picking off Ron Gant. What do I remember most from that World Series? That was the first time I heard someone say "fuck". It was my father, and it was directed at Hrbek...many, many times.

The times they are a changing, well kinda. The Braves and Twins are back on top of their respective divisions, but the Twins don't come across as sleazy this go round. But thanks to Kirby, Jack Morris, and Hrbek, I still hate you Minnesota. Go fuck yourselves.

Other notable happenings on the BIG Friday:

WNBA Hoops - 1st place Atlanta Dream (7-2) v New York Liberty (3-4)

Bassmaster Elite Series - Day 3 of the Tennessee Triumph BASS Tourney BASScast Live!

NBA Agency - 19 Days and counting...

Inter-office memo

Greetings co-workers. I just wanted to bring your attention to the fact that I have added a new website to our (the original) bare necessities. It is an internet magazine, whatever that is, called Slate. I believe David Hale linked it a while back. I don't know how else I would have come across it. Actually, there is no telling how I came across it. When I get on the internet things are very much like a dream sequence. My sense of time is greatly skewed. There are funny things, scary things, pretty things, ugly things. I never know how I got to any of them, and the only way I can get out of it is to wake up/ "x" out. Anyway, I digress. Slate is a good website to check out because they have a broad area of interest. You can check out synopses of Friday Night Lights episodes, see what is new and interesting in the world of science, read book reviews, and check out some (left-wing) political commentary. So what do you say? Today, do something to make yourself a more rounded human being, besides for the Double Decker Double Down you had for lunch. Just ask this guy.

Summa Summa Summa Time

I just dealt with my first block class for the second to last time ever. Three of my kids aren't allowed in school tomorrow. Christmas came early. It is a good feeling. It is going to feel even better tomorrow. I am not sure how the last day of school, The Avett Brothers, The Rail happy hour and a Friday are all going to mesh together. Any one of those four would call for some serious celebrations. I've been drunk before. I am going to give being good a try. Not too good though...as my mother constantly reminds me, I am going to pace myself. We will see how that works out.

I am the type of guy that looks forward to things a lot. I like to go with the flow, but I really like having something to look forward to. Friday at 3:15 a bell is going to ring, a bell that I have heard many times before, but this time with new meaning. This bell will ring in freedom. It will ring in merriment. It will ring in adventure. It will ring in celebration of the fact that I have survived my first year as a teacher, something many people don't do...at a school many people don't want to do it at. It will ring in the Weazle I’ve always wanted to be: a Weazle who can take a bad situation and make it better. It will also ring in a Weazle with plenty of free time and disposable income. Dreams do come true…God Bless America.

Good Effort

After today, I will never eat an original Chick-fil-A sandwich again. I have never been a huge fan of anything on that menu, besides the milkshakes. The food isn't cheap, and it's kinda blah. However, their new spicy chicken sandwich has given me a reason to go to Chick-fil-A on a regular basis. Research has begun on opening a new Chick-fil-A. Prospective location: the corner of Victory and Skidaway -- we're gonna shut the city downnnnn!

Possible SNAFU: "I'm pretty sure you have to be Mormon or something to do that." - Chick-fil-A Insider, Matt O'Rand. Hopefully, he was just talking about opening up the restaurant.

Cheer up, Murray!

I've Been Duped

While checking out Only In The Bear Necessities, I saw a blog post title on the side and I thought it was from one of our brother blogs. I thought it was going to be really funny. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be.

Get it Gurls

For all the women who be gotten they own cars and paid they own billz -- much love.

Trivia question:

On this day in 1990, Partners in Kryme released their smash hit "Turtle Power". The question is, who was the best Ninja Turtle?

Seven To Go

I would like to start by saying, "How bout them Braves?" To some extent I am a fair-weather fan. Baseball is just too darn boring. Even if I don't watch most of the game, I usually check the score every so often and tune in when it gets interesting. Recenty it has been interesting. It helps that every other show I watch on television has begun their summer vacation. It also helps that they haven't been losing much. It really helps that they have beaten the Phillies in their last two games. Being first place in the division, well, it just seems like the right place for the Braves to be. I am sure that comes from years of them residing there.

Things have been a little wild at work. I had a fight in my classroom yesterday. That was my first, and probably not my last, depending on how long I stick with this profession.

The good news is they have been wild because we only have 7 days left. Yip-e-khai-yay, melon farmer.

Two Fridays from now will be the students' last day of school, as well as, the Avett Brothers concert. That will be fun. As losers say, "This ain't my first rodeo." I have seen The Avett Brothers three times. The first was at The Freebird Live Cafe at Jacksonville Beach. That was awesome because there were like maybe two hundred people there and I was like six feet from the band and I could have been closer if I felt like it. This is one of the biggest payoffs for keeping your ear to the ground for emerging bands. You get to go see them before they get real big, and it is just an amazing feeling to be in a room with such an awesome band and so few other people, and everyone realizes how special the show is because this band is about to blow up. The next show I saw them at was a homecoming/album release in Cary, NC. That was probably cooler than Jacksonville Beach. It was a lot of their local fans and it was one of the biggest shows that they have played to date. I got their early and hung out at the gate with my buddy Mike from Lancaster and meet some cool dudes that just graduated high school and were going to NCSU and UNCW and some other NC schools. When the gates opened we rushed to the stage...strike that... they rushed to the stage. I walked and then wedged my way through the crowd to get a spot in the very front. That show was incredible. I had to pee the entire time. At the end of the show, they threw a bunch of plastic flowers off the stage and into the crowd and I picked up a few (no homo). I saw them in Atlanta on New Years Day. That was ok, but an ok Avett Brothers show is still better than probably whatever you were doing that night. I am excited about this concert because there will be a lot of people to hang out with before the show. I'll be getting to the parking lot around 3:45. Murray is getting his mouth numbed at the dentist earlier that day. It should be entertaining, watching him try to drink without sensation in his mouth. I have an extra ticket to the show. I am not really sure what I plan to do with it. If one of yall want to go, you will need to make a compelling case, in order to beat out a lucky lady (tbd).

Exactly two weeks from today, I will begin my yankee exploration. There is no telling what I will find up there. Hopefully, they have internet up there, so I will be able to keep yall posted. If not, I may have to go all they way out to Californi. The Tuesday before I leave, I wanted to get a little dinner together. Details will follow, but clear your calendar.

Thursday marks Game One of the NBA Finals. Shane and I already did a seven game series on NBA Live 10 to see how it would work out. Shane was the Lakers and I was the Celtics (someone had the upper-hand, and his name ain't Weazle). Shane won game one, then I went on to win three straight. With the series at 3-1, all I had to do was win one of the next two to not push it to a game seven. I was unable to do so. We decided that if the series went to seven games, the seventh game would be played with 12 (real life) minute quarters. Kobe er ugh Shane won. I still wonder what would have happened if we would have stuck with three minute quarters. Anyway, my prediciton for the Finals is the Lake-show in six.

I feel like I have said enough. Who are you to judge me anyway?

Recapping the shit outta this weekend.

Friday

It's 8 am, and I need to beat up a Spine test. Boom, 98! Give me that A, prick ass teacher. And the good times rolled the rest of the day in Athens. Pool time and a bottle of Toro later, and this. I wasn't allowed to swim unless I was accompanied by a float.

Chicago, Illinois knows tequila

Back to the texts. In my defense, I had know idea what I was doing. So yeah, there you go. Uh oh, it's only 6? I eat an entire pizza from Mellow Mushroom, manage to stay away from Bourbon St., but still find a way to spill 2 drinks all over myself. All this excitement causes me to blackout. My only memory is that of my lovely girlfriend wading through the fountain on Broad around 2am. "This seemed like the right thing to do." -- her words.

Saturday

Ouchy. The drive to Atlanta could not have worse time. We arrive at our hotel in downtown Atl, which is around the corner to this, and it is the apparent gathering point for some sort of ethnic parade. Chicken and waffles -- such a strange combo. I wave to my friends as "Teach me how to Dougie" plays. The hotel is ridiculous. It has three bars, two restaurants, and countless assholes at the front desk. I don't care. I peed in the bathroom sink.

A Braves game never disappoints. Our seats are behind home plate and about 20 rows up. A pretty nice way to watch a game. Kris Medlen wasn't fooling any of those Pittsburgh batts, but really good defense shored that up. Oh yeah, the Braves are getting on base and scoring too. Heyward hits the ball harder than any player I have ever seen. And I knew all along that Glaus would click. Ha. It is pretty fun to see Billy Wagner throw a fastball in person.

Riding MARTA is always interesting...

Sunday

Shopping!!! Not all bad. I couldn't pass up this shirt:

So you're telling me all I have to do is pay $20, and I can wear Ol' Dirty Bastard's face on my chest? Deal, I got ya money.





Happy Memorial Day!

Text From Last Night (Two for Tuesday ((Saturday Edition)))

"haha that's my frind. I could walk whe I leftd the pooll todssday"
"Could not that is"
-Joey "Simsdog Millionaire" Sims





"The real question is how many horses will get raped"
-P. Sauers

Bicycle Kicks

Can you feel it? I can't either. Soccer's Super Bowl is right around the corner, and I am watching the Braves. Landon Donovan might be doing the same thing. Now, I know the 2 or 3 people who read this stuff probably won't watch any of that video, but it's kinda refreshing to hear someone in the spotlight give an honest opinion. I know nothing about soccer, so naturally I'm going to talk about it. I played it for 2 years because Jack Holmes' dad coached a team. You can probably imagine how great we were, the Alley Cats. Not really sure what kind of chances the US has of doing much, but based on their captain's take -- meh, not so good. If the Americans can kick the ball better and umm score more baskets than their opponents, I think they will do well, but don't call me an expert. One thing's for sure, America knows what strikes fear into the hearts of everyone else around the world...


The sorority squat. This is your team, America. Fuck yeah, lick our butts world.

I'm Lost

Lost has been airing for almost 6 years. I watched it for the first time on Sunday. I gotta say, the jokes on me. Two and a half hours, and I'm left saying to myself, "Do what?" I have no idea what I just saw. There are 2 things that I can decipher: 1. there was a plane crash & 2. this guy did it. Hey, I'm just saying, put the pieces together.

My review (in a nutshell):

Likes:

- The women on this show were not shy.
- Reaffirms that walking is the safest way to travel

Dislikes:

- Some old guy with a knife is going to sink an island?
- Guys with the names: Desmond, Sawyer, & Hugo
- Hey Asian folks - stop speaking your native language. This is America, and we know you're talking about us...we have the subtitles to prove it.
- Everybody dies? Sorry, only the Departed can get away with that.
- Get the guy from Lord of the Rings outta here
- The preview for Angelina Jolie's new movie

Lost will go down, in my book, as the worst reality TV series ever. There were no obstacle courses, singing competitions, fat celebrity weigh-ins, or Trump firings. Wait, Lost was all fake? Damn, got my ass. Well, I think Gilligan's Island got it right the first time.

One of My Go To Jams

Since Joey pulled a Jack and didn't title his post, I had to create one with a title. See yall on the beach.

#637

Weazle,

Thanks for the kind words.

Love,

Joey


Yesterday, I became a quarter century old. Guys like Ric have found the fountain of youth, but I keep getting older and possibly wiser. With that being said, I'd like to think that I'm... except the female part. When I came in to this world, 25 years ago, I created 4 bucket lists. That's correct, I could write at age 1 minute. For my first 25 years, I really wanted to set the pace for greatness. Just to highlight a few...

- Win a Championship (check)
The White Sox were a team of winners, at least for the moment. We were on a mission, we all knew our roles, and we couldn't have been older than 11. Damon was our go to guy to make opposing players cry. He always knew the right strings to pluck -- sitting on second base as he mimicked eating rice and shouting 'wooo chop chop' to a young Asian boy warming up between innings. Gilpin did his best to make the throw from his second base position to first. Ian threw about 95 mph. And for a season, I was Cal Ripken.

- Date a Hinchey (check)
Fourth grade. I was a stud.

- Successfully jump 5 consecutive parking meters (check)
My high jump days are behind me now, but there was a stretch in which I was certain I could jump over a car. However, since that time, I fear that I may not be able to clear a step without landing on my head. Bunger and Shane witnessed the jump that "went wrong" on Tybee. Once they realized I had full use of my legs, we all had a good laugh. I'll be back one day.

- Befriend Keenan (check)
If you wanna know why that's so awesome, just ask him.

- Travel north of North Carolina (check)
3 times, but once was a enough, especially when places like New Orleans aren't up there. Sorry, Bunger.

- Go to bars (check)
Matt's Back Door Bar - Yes, I entered in the rear just like the sign on the door said. I was drunk and provoked. Isn't that how most gay encounters start? Don't worry nothing happened. Just beers and lisps. It turns out, you don't have to be scared of gay people. Before, I figured they all had some "itis" that was contagious, but not so.

Scandals - Where's a better place to win a 4 or 5 game parlay? No where, but Scandals. When there was feuding between Shane and Benny's, who took us in? Scandals did.

Generals Boars Head - High Life and shuffle board -- That's all I need.

The Rail - Super duper happy hour that can lead to a very drunk Joey. There's nothing about that place that I don't like. Stuffy bar, stuffy people, and homemade tacos. Put bourbon in a small fish bowl in front of me, and I become, as Bunger affectionately puts it, "goofy". I can hold my on, damnit. Mr. Bunger can hold his own as well...



- Create a rap group (check)

We did trim a little fat. Recognize, bitch.

All in all, it's been fun.

For the streets...



For the vanilla faces...

Happy Birthday Simsdawg Millionare

If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know when my own birthday is; but thanks to it, I know it is Joey's birthday.

Some things about Joey:

-Fun dude to drink with. If Joey is down to drink, it usually doesn't take much more convincing to get me into the mix.

-He is a goofy dude.

-He knows that sometimes you gotta spill some booze to make a saki-bomb.

-He will one day be a doctor and will be able to diagnose my rashes at parties.

-He clears about 80 percent of the things he tries to jump over. The awesome part is the other 20 percent.

-He is usually down for an adventure (Chowtime Yum Yum).

-I now have a place to stay in Augusta.

-Despite his hiatus, now, we are the only things making OITO the best blog in America. In fact, only in America could a blog like this be the best.

CD Release Party

They're no Train, Swinging Medallions, or WSP, but I enjoy the hell out of the Black Keys. Their new album, Brothers, is out today. The production value has gotten better with each installment, but I think the murky sound is one thing that may have drawn me to them in the first place. Nevertheless, they are top 5 for me. Here's the first single of the new CD:

Creed

Who would of thought that this guy had any other talents besides creepiness? Turns out, Creed was a big part of of a little song that Mr. Bunger is very familiar with. Creed played lead guitar in The Grass Roots, but according to his Rolling Stone interview, "It wasn't all blow jobs and sunglasses." It never is. But they did give us "Midnight Confessions", and its safe to say we'll never let that go unappreciated. His character on the Office has fallen off, but who hasn't on the show? Not the Nard Dog. Never the less, here is some good work from Creed.

Do you think this is real?

One of the Greatest Tracks of All-Time

Sports Desk

Lots of happenings in the past few weeks, and I can't keep my mouth shut any longer. The Wide World of Sports has given me so much material, that it's taken me several days to organize my thoughts. Even with the time to get it straight, the next few paragraphs are probably going to be a mess, so please accept my apologies.

Where to begin? Ahhh, Lawrence Taylor. We should have known he was trouble when he broke Joe Theismann's leg in half (Shane don't watch). At least he didn't hurt the face. LT has a long history of crack, cocaine, and other social/non-habit forming drug use. All in all, nothing too alarming. I mean, this guy used to get jazzed up on heroin and drive a NASCAR around the track, so worse has been done. But when I heard the news that LT raped a young girl, I was shocked not surprised a bit. That was like hearing Keith Richards snorted his fathers ashes. Given the person (and LT is a train wreck of a individual), some things just don't sound the alarm like others. In no way am I making light of the act of rape because it is absolutely horrible. I think he should be punished to the fullest extent.

Can we take a step back and look professional sports, along with those who play them? For some reason, the NBA still gets the label as the thug league. I continue to scratch my head at that idea. Yes, some Indiana Pacers players and Detroit fans hit each other in the head a few times. We would've never had that problem if we would have just sold Michigan to Canada a long time ago. NBA players are black, rich, and tatted up. They cheat on their wives, smoke weed, and carry guns -- everything a normal guy would do if they had money. But Gilbert Arenas hasn't killed anyone, and even if he would've shot his teammate -- come on the guy went to Tech. I'm just joking! All I'm trying to say is that for every JR Smith and Gilbert Arenas, the NFL offers a Pacman Jones, Tank Williams, Ray Lewis, Vikings team party boat, Bengals roster, and so on and so forth. The NBA: Where caring happens, damnit!!!!!

So, I have convinced you that football is bad. I still love it, but those big men are so scary! NBA has got to be 2nd on the Gangstability List right? Wrong. Lacrosse has climb to the two spot, and Virginia apparently is no longer for lovers. That kid needs to be put away for a very long time for a couple of reason: 1. you shouldn't kill people; 2. don't kill the good looking ones. We can only hope that the Duke lacrosse team doesn't act out in fear of losing anymore street cred.

Sorry about all that.

Happy Mother's Day!

To all you mothers, happy day!

Track of the Day

One of my best friends on planet earth wrote and recorded himself playing this song. The first time I heard it, we were hanging out in Cary, NC for The Avett Brother's homecoming/album release concert for The Second Gleam. I drove up from Savannah and he drove down from somewhere up north, either DC; Bodymore, Murderland or Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It is a great song for Mother's Day. I remember thinking that it was good enough that I would like it even if I hadn't hung out with the guy since before kindergarten. Some of you may have even met him when he came in town for St. Patrick's Day a few years ago.

Mike McMonagle - Where I Would Be

If you like what you hear, and want to hear more, check out his Facebook fan page.

Better Late Than Never

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I don't really have a reason as to why it has been, but I am sure the politicians are to blame. As an independant voter, I find that all the fence sitting just causes me crotchal pain (which is slightly worse than T-Pain). I was gonna get into a thing about the ills of a large federal government and taxing the rich to give to the lazy. I was then going to counterbalance it with the irony of Bobby Jindal begging for federal cheese to clean up the Gulf, yet questions spending federal money on another state's natural problems. Instead, I am going to talk about poop. The results are in. Having had fifteen voters (I'm sure none of you voted twice), I will now use the knowledge I gained in a 12th grade statistics class to give you the results.

the mean= 2.033r poops per day
the median= 1.5 poops per day
the mode= 1.5 poops per day
the range= 4.5 poops per day

On that note, a happy Friday to all and to all a good weekend. You can find me at The Rail today from approx 3:50-until enjoying their awesome happy hour...maybe a little Vinnie Van Go Go's for dinner, I don't know if we will have enough time! And don't forget to celebrate the woman who brought you into the world; Sunday is Mother's Day.

Survive and Advance

Year one is officially in the books. Dora the Explorer once said, "We did it!!" That's right Dora, but it's not over yet.

1st Year Highlights:

- Zaxby's, the Deli, Firehouse, & Summerville Ace all within a mile of the house.

- I would not suggest donating your body to science when you kick the bucket. Everyday in anatomy, the hooker OT girls checked out what was under the hood of their cadaver. Apparently, his nickname was Wesley Pipes. No respect.

- What has now been labeled the "Shane Weekend". Aged Canadian Mist, new friends at the pool, new waitress friend, cars barreling out of control and running into standing structures...boy that sounds like a wacky Will Ferrel movie. Wrapped it all up with a nice bow with a Sunday meal at the Leonard's.

- The thrill of victory in our first annual midnight run race (that's trademarked so don't get any ideas) and the agony of defeat as I puke two steps after the finish line. Ill not sick.

- The Halloween party. So what if Georgia lost?

- November 1st. The day after October 31st, will go down as one of the greatest day in the history of me. I don't remember much, but I do recall spraying champagne for breakfast and a nice young man nearly falling off the roof.

- The cops walking the Red Carpet at the Christmas Party. You had to be there to appreciate it.

- Sheehan's and Takosushi

- Gypsy hunting in North Augusta. To be honest, not a good idea. Those people are beyond crazy. One comforting thought: They may take your clothes, but they won't rape you because you aren't related.

- Straight A's? Bitch, I ain't no nerd.

No big deal...

...I just hang out with CMR on Wednesday nights sometimes.

They're dropping like flies.

Al Gore once said something like, "If it's on the Internet, it must be true" or maybe it was "I invented the Internet". I can't remember. Apparently, Logan Gray is unhappy. Can't say that this wasn't a long time coming, if it's true of course. Who's gonna fair catch punts now?!

Great form.

** Update -- The reigns have been pulled back on this rumor.

ATL's not that bad...

It has a couple of nice things to offer in all of that mess. Nestled in between all of the sassy/fancy pants Midtowners, the extras from Slumdog, & Puff Daddy restaurants, there's some stuff worth talking about in Atlanta.

First off, Fox Brothers BBQ is as good a eatery as I have ever come across. Food isn't expensive and pair that with the best Bloody Mary there is, and you've got yourself an instant classic. I have eaten there several times, and I cannot think of one bad thing to say about any experience. The work staff is as weird as it gets; they have a short rib that looks like that thing they serve to Fred Flintstone...may taste a bit better.

Secondly, this place is amazing. Now, it's no Savannah Civic Center, but Chastain Park is a great place to see a band. It reminds me of those talent shows back at the BSS gym. Not a bad seat in the place, and as long as the weather is cooperates, it's dang near perfect. The Tabernacle is cool, but to crowded. The Variety Playhouse is cool, but every time I've been there I fear being mugged or held hostage by a cult and forced to drink their Kool Aid. Check mark goes to Chastain.

Soooo, that's all I could come up with. I've heard the Aquarium is neato. Oh and the Braves play softball in Atlanta.

Here's My Morning Jacket playing Austin City Limits...minus all that Evil Urges junk. I saw them, Sam, and Sass Friday night.

Top Five Hot Chicks Who Are Funny Professionally

This is a list which I hold near and dear to my heart. You really can't get anything better than an attractive girl who is hilarious. They are difficult to find, and elusive like a unicorn's tear. This list is made up only of ladies that do stand up. There are a ton of hot chicks who are funny on television, or funny in the movies; but, stand up is a beast which takes some taming. It would be pretty difficult to come up with just five funny actresses who are hot. These five are in my own order. Feel free to re-order them in the comment section. Ranking is based more on attractiveness than humor. So without further ado...

Number One: Iliza Shlesinger

Many of you probably thought Sarah Silverman would take the number one spot. However, there is no denying that this lady has it going on. She won "Last Comic Standing" a few seasons ago, which is my favorite reality show, that I only watch when it is on marathon on the Reality Channel. I would never try to be on "Last Comic Standing" because it is discriminatory to paraplegic comedians. Anyway, she is one hot and funny Jew.

Number Two: Sarah Silverman

After many years as the number one, Ms. Silverman had to move down a peg. She is really hot. She is really funny. However after hearing all kinds of poop jokes come out of her beautiful mouth, a certain degree of attractiveness had to suffer. Still, if you are reading, Sarah, let's hang out. Her loyalty is a little under question, since she cheated on my man Jimmy Kimmel with good Will Hunting. She's another hot and funny Jew.

Number Three: Amy Schumer

Wow...The Jews really have the hot funny chick market cornered. Here is yet another really hot, really funny Jew. She was on "Last Comic Standing." She is my MySpace friend. I kinda got a propensity for chicks with curly hair...and this chick is killing it.

Number Four: Whitney Cummings

Porn star name? Don't be gross. She is hot. She is on Chelsea Lately a lot. I almost put Chelsea Handler on the list; but, top six doesn't have the same ring to it. Whitney Cummings may or may not be Jewish.

Number Five: Tammy Pescatelli

If you went to a ristorante and ordered a "Tammy Pescatelli", you better not eat it right away, because the dish is a smoking hot cougar. Cougar might taste gamey; but, I am game. Of course it would come with some olive oil for dipping, since she is the good kind of Italian, not the kind that you see on the Jersey Shore.

Who did I forget? I have a feeling like I forgot someone. Anyway, a good week to all of you.

Live Blog...kinda

7:15: Where's Michael Irvin? Was his plane delayed? Do what? Oh, not crack again. Say it isn't so! Way too many Tech guys invited to this thing.

7:27: Mel's gonna bring it tonight.

7:29: Already sick of that Jay-Z song.

7:37: With the first pick the St. Louis Rams select... a guy that played in the spread and has hurt his throwing shoulder twice...in one year. Mel - "... a great golfer in high school...", that should translate.

7:50: Is there a Mandarich in this year's draft? Probably not. I just crack up at how homoerotic SI was back in the day. P.S. I know that wine in a box is splendid, so Coors Light out of one has to be out of sight!


8:07:


Somewhere in California, there's a Kiffin taking credit for this one.

8:37: That's how you get it done, Jags. Pac 10 is a goldmine. Mel's hair is pissed that Clausen is still on the board.

8:42: Dear Under Armor, I protect this house by locking doors, staying up to date with the neighborhood watch, and reporting any suspicious activity.

9:15: What'd I miss? Chic fil A milkshake > draft. If I'm Jimmy Clausen, I fire everybody.

9:20: Love triangle on the Office right now. The Nard Dog is killing it.

9:32: Weatherspoon will bring that Mid West feel to Atlanta.

9:41: Pains me to say this but the quote of the night doesn't come from Boomer; 30 Rocks' Tracy Morgan - "Don't you like my dog, Tracy Sr.? He's trained to hate white people, not for profiling, but because most ghosts are white."

In other news, the Bengals newest addition, Jermaine Gresham, has already been arrested on an assault charge. Wah wah. Wonder how Odell Thurman's doing?

10:00: Cowboys won't lose a game this season. Hated this guy when he played Georgia, but he's the best receiver in the draft. Pretty surprised that guy from tech went before Bryant. Remember this...



and this...



Bryan Evans is a 5th to 6th rounder for sure...great cover corner.

10:10: Tebow goes before Clausen! Somewhere, Thom Brennaman is gushing, and a circumcised Ethiopian is saying "click, click, he snipped my dick!"

10:25: Boomer and Young going at it over special teams...

10:35: Gruden - "I like to look at the glass as half full Mel." Let's get ready to rumble, just don't touch the hair.

10:46: Detroit gets Matthew a running back. Gotta find some folks to block for them. The Lions will win 6 games this season, even with the loss of my cousin Ernie Sims.

11:00: Hey, I didn't know New Orleans was hit by a hurricane. They sure did beat the odds, 5 years later.

11:05: It's over! Part 1 of the "experiment" was pretty weird. Berman look really uncomfortable. Tom Jackson was just a long for the ride. Young acted like a jackass. Pretty sure Gruden was regretting his decision to take part in this mess about 20 minutes in. Clausen has dropped his name in the hat for the CFL draft. The Jaguars aren't even trying anymore. Tebow is America's quarterback. Watch out for the Cowboys this season and Jerry's drinking problem. Apparently, New Orleans is still reeling. And finally, Mel Jr. looked stunning, simply stunning.

My New Credo

"What’s my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird, and he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings, and he can fly… unless he has absolutely no hand-eye coordination." –Phil Dunphy

OITO Behind the Music: DJ Marty

Producer: Last time, we brought to you the story of one man and his circuits. In this episode of Behind the Music, we will tell of one man journey to rump shaking stardom. Yes, we're talking about the infamous DJ Marty. When we asked one woman to described his act, she replied "You shouldn't talk that way to woman." Marty's response would likely be something like, "Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaa you do." When I asked a few others, they responded "Oh yeah, the guy who barks at girls. I have seen him in Victoria's Secret before...what about him?" Off the stage, Marty is as cool as a cucumber, but don't ever think about handing him any vegetables. He's a meat and potatoes kinda guy. When he gets behind that mike, he's like an animal in heat.

Wind it back to the 60's. Growing up and into his teen years, Marty was trying to find his place in a world filled with what he describes as "...too much clothes, hippie music, and reading". He wanted more...ass that is.



DJM: "Ooooooh man, Roy warned me about you guys! Nah we straight, but look youngblood, I can't help it that I was born to break it down. You looking at the definition of an OG. I had that beat in my bones at a young age, and it made all the girls percolate. Now, look at me; I got shorties shakin them sandy butts every night."

Producer: No one ever accused him of being modest. He loves the ladies and well, the ladies just love to know Marty's whereabouts.

DJM: "Mannn, on a slow night at Tybee Time, I got bout 4 or 5 chickens with the booty sweat allon me son! Believe that! And don't ask me about a busy night. Ohhhhhhhh yeaaaaa! But haters will be haters. You know... I just praise Sir Mix A Lot for giving me the strengph to persevere through all the hateration"

The self proclaimed Prince of Booty and DJ Marty's idol, Sir Mix A Lot

Producer: This "hateration" that DJ Marty speaks of come from a talking pitcher of Kool Aid. The Kool Aid Man is stead fast in his complaint that DJ Marty stole his trademark phrase.

Kool Aid Man: "Are you asking me if he stole what was mine? Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhh!!!"

DJM: "Coooommmmmme on! Like I'm gonna steal something from a big ol' bowl of ketchup."

Producer: With phrases like, "girl, shake that pancake butt", "if you ain't down to f*ck, then get yo ass on", and the ever popular "mmmmm get boo a towel, she leakin", it's hard to see why any female would ever get the wrong impression.

DJ Marty posing with a longtime member of his fan club

DJM: "Listennnnnn, how else you gonna make it if you don't give something for them to remember you by? What do think is the first thing that comes to a dime's mind when I tell her that she got my head spinning the way she make her butt talk? 'Wow, DJ Marty is a great guy and super conscious of his surroundings... I should probably grind on him.' See what I mean?"

Producer: Given his rising status, DJ Marty has starting looking beyond the booth. He told us about his new adventures...

DJM: "I call it Booty Sweat. It's an energy drink. Hey, that stupid ass movie, Tropic Thunder, paid me for it. It's got real bits of booty, so it goes down smooth...every time."

Producer: For those of you who don't know DJ Marty, you will. If he isn't growling into mics or asking patrons to wobble with it, you can find DJ Marty getting that money...

DJM: "Can I leave you with one thought? Okay, For all the fellas out there, if your girl is twerkalatin and u ain't tryin to get in them draws...you better send her over to the booth. Ohhhhhh yeaaaaaa!"

A Tie

Someone once said a tie is like kissing your sister. In our last poll, the tie was like a hipster and a neo-hippie kissing your sister. No one wins.

Our next poll will be a little less about opinion, and a little more about gathering facts. Someone once told me to keep the bathroom humor in the bathroom. Now, I say, in the words of Meatloaf, "I won't do that."

Text From Last Night: OITO

(912) I just peed on my shirt cuz it was in front of my pee hole (11:10 PM)

Pitt Wins!!!!

picture provided by pittsburg panthers.com of Shane Murray

200

Tonight, South Park will be celebrating their 200th episode. In honor of this epic event, I would like to celebrate the unsung hero's who helped drive the show. It's a "Where are they now?": South Park.

Pip Pirrup - Best known for his role in season 4's, Great Expectations, Pip's character has faded from South Park. Last heard, Pip's green card was revoked. Pip was horrified to learn that, yet again, he was mistaken for a Frenchman and sent there to live...Tennessee style.


















Goth kids - Apparently, Goth kids aren't well received in South Park either. With Hot Topic gone, where are the Goths to go? Duh, Seattle. The job market is tough for those who wear black on black with a little more black. Some have been lucky enough to find work as cutters, I mean carvers at the prime rib stations in local buffets.
















Chef - And y'all thought he was dead. Chef just went Tupac on our asses. He and other Scientologists have traveled back to their planet to battle Xenu, with the hopes of regaining control of the Galactic Confederacy. God's, no L. Ron Hubbard's speed, Chef.