I've Been Duped

While checking out Only In The Bear Necessities, I saw a blog post title on the side and I thought it was from one of our brother blogs. I thought it was going to be really funny. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be.

Get it Gurls

For all the women who be gotten they own cars and paid they own billz -- much love.

Trivia question:

On this day in 1990, Partners in Kryme released their smash hit "Turtle Power". The question is, who was the best Ninja Turtle?

Seven To Go

I would like to start by saying, "How bout them Braves?" To some extent I am a fair-weather fan. Baseball is just too darn boring. Even if I don't watch most of the game, I usually check the score every so often and tune in when it gets interesting. Recenty it has been interesting. It helps that every other show I watch on television has begun their summer vacation. It also helps that they haven't been losing much. It really helps that they have beaten the Phillies in their last two games. Being first place in the division, well, it just seems like the right place for the Braves to be. I am sure that comes from years of them residing there.

Things have been a little wild at work. I had a fight in my classroom yesterday. That was my first, and probably not my last, depending on how long I stick with this profession.

The good news is they have been wild because we only have 7 days left. Yip-e-khai-yay, melon farmer.

Two Fridays from now will be the students' last day of school, as well as, the Avett Brothers concert. That will be fun. As losers say, "This ain't my first rodeo." I have seen The Avett Brothers three times. The first was at The Freebird Live Cafe at Jacksonville Beach. That was awesome because there were like maybe two hundred people there and I was like six feet from the band and I could have been closer if I felt like it. This is one of the biggest payoffs for keeping your ear to the ground for emerging bands. You get to go see them before they get real big, and it is just an amazing feeling to be in a room with such an awesome band and so few other people, and everyone realizes how special the show is because this band is about to blow up. The next show I saw them at was a homecoming/album release in Cary, NC. That was probably cooler than Jacksonville Beach. It was a lot of their local fans and it was one of the biggest shows that they have played to date. I got their early and hung out at the gate with my buddy Mike from Lancaster and meet some cool dudes that just graduated high school and were going to NCSU and UNCW and some other NC schools. When the gates opened we rushed to the stage...strike that... they rushed to the stage. I walked and then wedged my way through the crowd to get a spot in the very front. That show was incredible. I had to pee the entire time. At the end of the show, they threw a bunch of plastic flowers off the stage and into the crowd and I picked up a few (no homo). I saw them in Atlanta on New Years Day. That was ok, but an ok Avett Brothers show is still better than probably whatever you were doing that night. I am excited about this concert because there will be a lot of people to hang out with before the show. I'll be getting to the parking lot around 3:45. Murray is getting his mouth numbed at the dentist earlier that day. It should be entertaining, watching him try to drink without sensation in his mouth. I have an extra ticket to the show. I am not really sure what I plan to do with it. If one of yall want to go, you will need to make a compelling case, in order to beat out a lucky lady (tbd).

Exactly two weeks from today, I will begin my yankee exploration. There is no telling what I will find up there. Hopefully, they have internet up there, so I will be able to keep yall posted. If not, I may have to go all they way out to Californi. The Tuesday before I leave, I wanted to get a little dinner together. Details will follow, but clear your calendar.

Thursday marks Game One of the NBA Finals. Shane and I already did a seven game series on NBA Live 10 to see how it would work out. Shane was the Lakers and I was the Celtics (someone had the upper-hand, and his name ain't Weazle). Shane won game one, then I went on to win three straight. With the series at 3-1, all I had to do was win one of the next two to not push it to a game seven. I was unable to do so. We decided that if the series went to seven games, the seventh game would be played with 12 (real life) minute quarters. Kobe er ugh Shane won. I still wonder what would have happened if we would have stuck with three minute quarters. Anyway, my prediciton for the Finals is the Lake-show in six.

I feel like I have said enough. Who are you to judge me anyway?

Recapping the shit outta this weekend.

Friday

It's 8 am, and I need to beat up a Spine test. Boom, 98! Give me that A, prick ass teacher. And the good times rolled the rest of the day in Athens. Pool time and a bottle of Toro later, and this. I wasn't allowed to swim unless I was accompanied by a float.

Chicago, Illinois knows tequila

Back to the texts. In my defense, I had know idea what I was doing. So yeah, there you go. Uh oh, it's only 6? I eat an entire pizza from Mellow Mushroom, manage to stay away from Bourbon St., but still find a way to spill 2 drinks all over myself. All this excitement causes me to blackout. My only memory is that of my lovely girlfriend wading through the fountain on Broad around 2am. "This seemed like the right thing to do." -- her words.

Saturday

Ouchy. The drive to Atlanta could not have worse time. We arrive at our hotel in downtown Atl, which is around the corner to this, and it is the apparent gathering point for some sort of ethnic parade. Chicken and waffles -- such a strange combo. I wave to my friends as "Teach me how to Dougie" plays. The hotel is ridiculous. It has three bars, two restaurants, and countless assholes at the front desk. I don't care. I peed in the bathroom sink.

A Braves game never disappoints. Our seats are behind home plate and about 20 rows up. A pretty nice way to watch a game. Kris Medlen wasn't fooling any of those Pittsburgh batts, but really good defense shored that up. Oh yeah, the Braves are getting on base and scoring too. Heyward hits the ball harder than any player I have ever seen. And I knew all along that Glaus would click. Ha. It is pretty fun to see Billy Wagner throw a fastball in person.

Riding MARTA is always interesting...

Sunday

Shopping!!! Not all bad. I couldn't pass up this shirt:

So you're telling me all I have to do is pay $20, and I can wear Ol' Dirty Bastard's face on my chest? Deal, I got ya money.





Happy Memorial Day!

Text From Last Night (Two for Tuesday ((Saturday Edition)))

"haha that's my frind. I could walk whe I leftd the pooll todssday"
"Could not that is"
-Joey "Simsdog Millionaire" Sims





"The real question is how many horses will get raped"
-P. Sauers

Bicycle Kicks

Can you feel it? I can't either. Soccer's Super Bowl is right around the corner, and I am watching the Braves. Landon Donovan might be doing the same thing. Now, I know the 2 or 3 people who read this stuff probably won't watch any of that video, but it's kinda refreshing to hear someone in the spotlight give an honest opinion. I know nothing about soccer, so naturally I'm going to talk about it. I played it for 2 years because Jack Holmes' dad coached a team. You can probably imagine how great we were, the Alley Cats. Not really sure what kind of chances the US has of doing much, but based on their captain's take -- meh, not so good. If the Americans can kick the ball better and umm score more baskets than their opponents, I think they will do well, but don't call me an expert. One thing's for sure, America knows what strikes fear into the hearts of everyone else around the world...


The sorority squat. This is your team, America. Fuck yeah, lick our butts world.

I'm Lost

Lost has been airing for almost 6 years. I watched it for the first time on Sunday. I gotta say, the jokes on me. Two and a half hours, and I'm left saying to myself, "Do what?" I have no idea what I just saw. There are 2 things that I can decipher: 1. there was a plane crash & 2. this guy did it. Hey, I'm just saying, put the pieces together.

My review (in a nutshell):

Likes:

- The women on this show were not shy.
- Reaffirms that walking is the safest way to travel

Dislikes:

- Some old guy with a knife is going to sink an island?
- Guys with the names: Desmond, Sawyer, & Hugo
- Hey Asian folks - stop speaking your native language. This is America, and we know you're talking about us...we have the subtitles to prove it.
- Everybody dies? Sorry, only the Departed can get away with that.
- Get the guy from Lord of the Rings outta here
- The preview for Angelina Jolie's new movie

Lost will go down, in my book, as the worst reality TV series ever. There were no obstacle courses, singing competitions, fat celebrity weigh-ins, or Trump firings. Wait, Lost was all fake? Damn, got my ass. Well, I think Gilligan's Island got it right the first time.

One of My Go To Jams

Since Joey pulled a Jack and didn't title his post, I had to create one with a title. See yall on the beach.

#637

Weazle,

Thanks for the kind words.

Love,

Joey


Yesterday, I became a quarter century old. Guys like Ric have found the fountain of youth, but I keep getting older and possibly wiser. With that being said, I'd like to think that I'm... except the female part. When I came in to this world, 25 years ago, I created 4 bucket lists. That's correct, I could write at age 1 minute. For my first 25 years, I really wanted to set the pace for greatness. Just to highlight a few...

- Win a Championship (check)
The White Sox were a team of winners, at least for the moment. We were on a mission, we all knew our roles, and we couldn't have been older than 11. Damon was our go to guy to make opposing players cry. He always knew the right strings to pluck -- sitting on second base as he mimicked eating rice and shouting 'wooo chop chop' to a young Asian boy warming up between innings. Gilpin did his best to make the throw from his second base position to first. Ian threw about 95 mph. And for a season, I was Cal Ripken.

- Date a Hinchey (check)
Fourth grade. I was a stud.

- Successfully jump 5 consecutive parking meters (check)
My high jump days are behind me now, but there was a stretch in which I was certain I could jump over a car. However, since that time, I fear that I may not be able to clear a step without landing on my head. Bunger and Shane witnessed the jump that "went wrong" on Tybee. Once they realized I had full use of my legs, we all had a good laugh. I'll be back one day.

- Befriend Keenan (check)
If you wanna know why that's so awesome, just ask him.

- Travel north of North Carolina (check)
3 times, but once was a enough, especially when places like New Orleans aren't up there. Sorry, Bunger.

- Go to bars (check)
Matt's Back Door Bar - Yes, I entered in the rear just like the sign on the door said. I was drunk and provoked. Isn't that how most gay encounters start? Don't worry nothing happened. Just beers and lisps. It turns out, you don't have to be scared of gay people. Before, I figured they all had some "itis" that was contagious, but not so.

Scandals - Where's a better place to win a 4 or 5 game parlay? No where, but Scandals. When there was feuding between Shane and Benny's, who took us in? Scandals did.

Generals Boars Head - High Life and shuffle board -- That's all I need.

The Rail - Super duper happy hour that can lead to a very drunk Joey. There's nothing about that place that I don't like. Stuffy bar, stuffy people, and homemade tacos. Put bourbon in a small fish bowl in front of me, and I become, as Bunger affectionately puts it, "goofy". I can hold my on, damnit. Mr. Bunger can hold his own as well...



- Create a rap group (check)

We did trim a little fat. Recognize, bitch.

All in all, it's been fun.

For the streets...



For the vanilla faces...

Happy Birthday Simsdawg Millionare

If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know when my own birthday is; but thanks to it, I know it is Joey's birthday.

Some things about Joey:

-Fun dude to drink with. If Joey is down to drink, it usually doesn't take much more convincing to get me into the mix.

-He is a goofy dude.

-He knows that sometimes you gotta spill some booze to make a saki-bomb.

-He will one day be a doctor and will be able to diagnose my rashes at parties.

-He clears about 80 percent of the things he tries to jump over. The awesome part is the other 20 percent.

-He is usually down for an adventure (Chowtime Yum Yum).

-I now have a place to stay in Augusta.

-Despite his hiatus, now, we are the only things making OITO the best blog in America. In fact, only in America could a blog like this be the best.

CD Release Party

They're no Train, Swinging Medallions, or WSP, but I enjoy the hell out of the Black Keys. Their new album, Brothers, is out today. The production value has gotten better with each installment, but I think the murky sound is one thing that may have drawn me to them in the first place. Nevertheless, they are top 5 for me. Here's the first single of the new CD:

Creed

Who would of thought that this guy had any other talents besides creepiness? Turns out, Creed was a big part of of a little song that Mr. Bunger is very familiar with. Creed played lead guitar in The Grass Roots, but according to his Rolling Stone interview, "It wasn't all blow jobs and sunglasses." It never is. But they did give us "Midnight Confessions", and its safe to say we'll never let that go unappreciated. His character on the Office has fallen off, but who hasn't on the show? Not the Nard Dog. Never the less, here is some good work from Creed.

Do you think this is real?

One of the Greatest Tracks of All-Time

Sports Desk

Lots of happenings in the past few weeks, and I can't keep my mouth shut any longer. The Wide World of Sports has given me so much material, that it's taken me several days to organize my thoughts. Even with the time to get it straight, the next few paragraphs are probably going to be a mess, so please accept my apologies.

Where to begin? Ahhh, Lawrence Taylor. We should have known he was trouble when he broke Joe Theismann's leg in half (Shane don't watch). At least he didn't hurt the face. LT has a long history of crack, cocaine, and other social/non-habit forming drug use. All in all, nothing too alarming. I mean, this guy used to get jazzed up on heroin and drive a NASCAR around the track, so worse has been done. But when I heard the news that LT raped a young girl, I was shocked not surprised a bit. That was like hearing Keith Richards snorted his fathers ashes. Given the person (and LT is a train wreck of a individual), some things just don't sound the alarm like others. In no way am I making light of the act of rape because it is absolutely horrible. I think he should be punished to the fullest extent.

Can we take a step back and look professional sports, along with those who play them? For some reason, the NBA still gets the label as the thug league. I continue to scratch my head at that idea. Yes, some Indiana Pacers players and Detroit fans hit each other in the head a few times. We would've never had that problem if we would have just sold Michigan to Canada a long time ago. NBA players are black, rich, and tatted up. They cheat on their wives, smoke weed, and carry guns -- everything a normal guy would do if they had money. But Gilbert Arenas hasn't killed anyone, and even if he would've shot his teammate -- come on the guy went to Tech. I'm just joking! All I'm trying to say is that for every JR Smith and Gilbert Arenas, the NFL offers a Pacman Jones, Tank Williams, Ray Lewis, Vikings team party boat, Bengals roster, and so on and so forth. The NBA: Where caring happens, damnit!!!!!

So, I have convinced you that football is bad. I still love it, but those big men are so scary! NBA has got to be 2nd on the Gangstability List right? Wrong. Lacrosse has climb to the two spot, and Virginia apparently is no longer for lovers. That kid needs to be put away for a very long time for a couple of reason: 1. you shouldn't kill people; 2. don't kill the good looking ones. We can only hope that the Duke lacrosse team doesn't act out in fear of losing anymore street cred.

Sorry about all that.

Happy Mother's Day!

To all you mothers, happy day!

Track of the Day

One of my best friends on planet earth wrote and recorded himself playing this song. The first time I heard it, we were hanging out in Cary, NC for The Avett Brother's homecoming/album release concert for The Second Gleam. I drove up from Savannah and he drove down from somewhere up north, either DC; Bodymore, Murderland or Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It is a great song for Mother's Day. I remember thinking that it was good enough that I would like it even if I hadn't hung out with the guy since before kindergarten. Some of you may have even met him when he came in town for St. Patrick's Day a few years ago.

Mike McMonagle - Where I Would Be

If you like what you hear, and want to hear more, check out his Facebook fan page.

Better Late Than Never

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I don't really have a reason as to why it has been, but I am sure the politicians are to blame. As an independant voter, I find that all the fence sitting just causes me crotchal pain (which is slightly worse than T-Pain). I was gonna get into a thing about the ills of a large federal government and taxing the rich to give to the lazy. I was then going to counterbalance it with the irony of Bobby Jindal begging for federal cheese to clean up the Gulf, yet questions spending federal money on another state's natural problems. Instead, I am going to talk about poop. The results are in. Having had fifteen voters (I'm sure none of you voted twice), I will now use the knowledge I gained in a 12th grade statistics class to give you the results.

the mean= 2.033r poops per day
the median= 1.5 poops per day
the mode= 1.5 poops per day
the range= 4.5 poops per day

On that note, a happy Friday to all and to all a good weekend. You can find me at The Rail today from approx 3:50-until enjoying their awesome happy hour...maybe a little Vinnie Van Go Go's for dinner, I don't know if we will have enough time! And don't forget to celebrate the woman who brought you into the world; Sunday is Mother's Day.

Survive and Advance

Year one is officially in the books. Dora the Explorer once said, "We did it!!" That's right Dora, but it's not over yet.

1st Year Highlights:

- Zaxby's, the Deli, Firehouse, & Summerville Ace all within a mile of the house.

- I would not suggest donating your body to science when you kick the bucket. Everyday in anatomy, the hooker OT girls checked out what was under the hood of their cadaver. Apparently, his nickname was Wesley Pipes. No respect.

- What has now been labeled the "Shane Weekend". Aged Canadian Mist, new friends at the pool, new waitress friend, cars barreling out of control and running into standing structures...boy that sounds like a wacky Will Ferrel movie. Wrapped it all up with a nice bow with a Sunday meal at the Leonard's.

- The thrill of victory in our first annual midnight run race (that's trademarked so don't get any ideas) and the agony of defeat as I puke two steps after the finish line. Ill not sick.

- The Halloween party. So what if Georgia lost?

- November 1st. The day after October 31st, will go down as one of the greatest day in the history of me. I don't remember much, but I do recall spraying champagne for breakfast and a nice young man nearly falling off the roof.

- The cops walking the Red Carpet at the Christmas Party. You had to be there to appreciate it.

- Sheehan's and Takosushi

- Gypsy hunting in North Augusta. To be honest, not a good idea. Those people are beyond crazy. One comforting thought: They may take your clothes, but they won't rape you because you aren't related.

- Straight A's? Bitch, I ain't no nerd.